What's The Point?

If you have known me for very long, you know that my struggle with my weight has been a lifelong one, although not to the extent it is for me today.  In fact, in school, I average being anywhere from 20-40 pounds overweight, and not the staggering 100 plus where I find myself at this moment.  I don't intend to spend the next few minutes whining about all the diets I have been on and failed, because at 100+ pounds overweight, I think the failure part is pretty obvious.  I also am not asking for "assistance" on how to lose this weight.  That happened the last time I blogged and was honest about my struggles.  I put myself out there, got lots of unsolicited advice, and when I failed to become a CNN weight loss story of the month, I actually lost the support of at least one person who I thought was one of my biggest cheerleaders.  I ran into her in a store a few months after I finished my blog about bike riding for 28 days, and when she saw that my body composition had not changed in the slightest, she seemed to completely lose interest, and barely even spoke.   
What is the point of this blog entry?  I am not really sure, except that I feel that I owe it to myself to be completely honest in regard to where I am now in my struggle to become a healthier person and to lose weight.  I am in the process of changing my food lifestyle and while I am a "quick fix" kind of girl, at 50 years of age, I finally realize that there is no such thing, as there is no such thing as total deprivation, at least not all at once.  I spoke of finding a balance in my last post, and I am still seeking that balance.  Last week was a good one, until Mother's Day when I flooded my body with food that I was not even hungry for, but ate it anyway because I am still unsure how to handle social situations and because it was there.  Why have just a hamburger when you can also add a hotdog?  Why only have potato salad when you can also add chips and dip?  Why stop at the trifle when you really love your mom's cake as well?  I like the term Food Flood, because that is exactly what I did, and it is taking a few days for the flood to recede, and has taken me farther away from my goal.  Thankfully, I got back on track yesterday, and the flood is receding a little at a time.  I need flood insurance, but if I am completely honest with myself, I have to realize that I will alway live in a flood zone.  I am wired toward binge eating, but with enough preparation and a lot of sand bags, it is possible to withstand the next one, which is likely to come on Father's Day.  There is something about holidays, birthdays, Fridays, etc.

While I am still trying to figure out the point of this blog entry, I will be honest about another area of my life directly related to my weight struggle.  I DESPISE HAVING MY PICTURE TAKEN!!!  I am not sure about any of you, but I look better when I see myself in a mirror than I do when I see myself how I really look through the eyes of a camera.  Photos are very revealing, and I have very few of myself because they force me to see how I really look.  I have this one photo that Anthony took of Kira and me when she was 2 or three, and while she is her always adorable self, she is not the one my eyes are drawn to.  I am.  Not because I was still in my '30s (I loved my '30s), but because I was pretty.  I loved my hair, and I loved my body.  I was not thin, and if memory serves I weighed around 190 which is still considered obese (sigh) for someone of my height, but I looked healthy and I felt fantastic.  I will not post that picture here because it is too painful to look at now, but I do know that I can get back there and I have goals to do that.  What I will do, however, is something I despise doing.  I am posting my "before" shots.  Both of these were taken in the last 10 days, and while I am unhappy with both, they reveal to me where I am today, but definitely not where I plan to be weeks from now.  I have goals that I will discuss in a later post, and plan to post follow-up pictures wearing the same outfits. 

  

If you know me, you know that posting those two pictures is one of the hardest things I will do today.  I open myself up to judgement, but I also open myself up to support, and am hoping more for the latter.

What is the point of this entry?  I still don't know.  Maybe I just felt like being honest, or maybe I need some accountability, or maybe I am just ready for change. 

Maybe those pictures will be on CNN one day.